A Thousand Years...

Morning breaks, another day comes, and as I start to get up I slowly start to come back to reality. Light floods my eyes as I watch the sun come over the nearby mountains. I stretch and then without warning I come to the realization that my dreams were just that...dreams. They are not with me anymore. They are gone, back into my dreams. Back into the night, back into the fogginess of my mind. Back where I can't see them anymore, touch them, or hear them. Then the pain, starts to engulf me, and I slowly lay back down on the bed and curl up in a ball.
As I start to cry, I feel his arms circle around me and I know that he is feeling the same pain as me. No words cross between us as he holds me close as I continue to sob. He doesn't need me to tell him what I'm feeling. He knows. We are both going through this. Together. We are one, we are united in the heartache of the situation. Together, we will get through this...I hope.The tears just won't seem to stop as we lay there in silence holding onto each other.
Eventually we both get up. There are always things to do as a distraction, and the day will pass quickly as it came. We head to the bathroom, take a quick shower and start to get ready. It only takes him a minute to finish getting ready, and as he walks out of the bathroom, I follow him back to our room. I sit on the bed and as I look at him and see the man I love, my heart still skips a beat even though it has been three years and eight months. The more time goes by, I just seem to love him more. I don't know how he does it, but he makes me so happy, even despite everything going on.He kisses me on the forehead as he is walking out the door to go to work. I slowly head back to the bathroom touching the walls of our house...yes we have a house now...That's right...

I walk into the bathroom with my head down looking at the tile. Gosh, I really love the tile. I love the colors that swim in it as I stare at it. Then I start to raise my head, and before I know it, I'm looking at myself in the mirror. This woman I'm looking at...I see her everyday trying to mask what is paining her inside. Tears flood my eyes as my pain rushes back at me. I walk out of the bathroom and turn right and open the door right across from our bedroom.

This is where they are suppose to be. This is suppose to be their room. Tears stream down my cheeks as I look at the boxes that take the place of the room where they are suppose to be, sleeping, dreaming, and living. I feel my whole body shake as I fall to the ground sobbing...What was that the doctor said again....
Ah yes I remember. She said that I won't be able to have children.

As I sit in the empty nursery I just can't seem to break the pain, or the tears. Mothers Day was complete hell for me. And I have a million of those ahead. I just don't understand, Travis and I would love them with all our hearts. I would go through or do anything just so that I could bring one of them into this world. And yet, it's not to be. I'm not mad at Heavenly Father, I'm not upset that everyone else seems the wonderful experience of Motherhood. I just want to understand why. But I know how Heavenly Father works... and I know that if I continue to do the things that I need to do, that Travis and I will have children someday. We will have that opportunity. The tears stop as I realize the divine truth.

Because of what Jesus Christ our Lord and Savior did for us, as long as Travis and I stay faithful, we will be together forever and have the opportunity of having a family. We will have a family.

I get up and silently thank Heavenly Father for everything he has given me, a wonderful husband, two beautiful doggies, a amazing family, and a home. I really have so much, that I need to start being thankful for everything that I have. And even though things are not working out right now, things will work out in the future.

A song comes to mind that tells of how I feel about my Travis and our future children....

Thousand Years by Christina Perri

Heart beats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I'm afraid
To fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt
Suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

(Verse 2)
Time stands still
beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything 
Take away
What's standing in front of me
Every breath, 
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday

Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a 
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a 
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

(Chorus)
I have died everyday
Waiting for you
Darlin' don't be afraid,
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more

And all along I believed
I would find you
Time has brought 
Your heart to me
I have loved you for a
Thousand years
I'll love you for a 
Thousand more

Message for my children

I will be waiting...endlessly waiting for you to come to your Father and I, but know that we will love you for more than a thousand years, we will love you for all eternity. We look forward to holding you and watching you grow. Just know how long we have waited and prayed for you to come, so that when you do come, you will be endlessly loved. I love you my dear sweet children.

Love Mother

I know I keep writing about this, but it eases my pain. 

Thank you again for taking the time to read. 

~Natalie