Hope

It's been a slow day at work, and to pass the time for a little while, I decided to get on Pinterest. Sometimes, Heavenly Father finds ways to speak to us in the most subtle ways, and this instance is no different. As I am browsing through all the pins, several catch my eye that have to do with having children. Of course the sayings make me cry, and I pin them so I can look at them later. I even emailed a couple to Travis, just to see if I could make him cry (I will see the results of this at a later time). But as I'm scrolling ( I even almost missed it!) I see it. I see something that makes me lose it completely. And this is it....


It's like Heavenly Father was answering all the desperate prayers, pleading to him for a child. It was just like he was speaking directly to me as his child, his precious daughter. He is telling me to never stop believing in him and his ways and to never give up hope. There is always hope. Because of our Savior Jesus Christ.

Travis and I have both made the decision recently to adopt a child internationally.We have begun the process and are currently looking at an adoption agency to help us through this. After 3 years of trying with no pregnancies, we have decided that maybe that Heavenly Father has a different plan for us as far as a child is concerned. We have decided to let him take the reign in our journey to becoming parents and to see if anything works out with the adoption agency, as well as go to fertility doctors to see if we can finally conceive our own child.

I'm going to be quite blunt when I say that this entire journey has rocked us both to our knees several nights just pleading with Heavenly Father. To watch my husband cry when he prays for a child is heartbreaking. And we are both physically and emotionally drained.

I have women at work tell me how lucky I am that I get to have my husband all to myself. Many of them have several children, and while I understand that children require a lot of time and energy, I believe that there is nothing on earth that compares to parenthood. I wish they could feel my pain, I wish they could feel my agony. I wish that they could feel my despair. They will never know what it is like to long for a child, to spend endless nights hoping that you will someday hear your name as Mommy, whether or not they have gotten into trouble. To know that Travis and I may never have our own natural children is tough and rips on my heart. Because I have always had a dream, and that dream is to be a Mother.

I dream of cleaning up messes, soothing tantrums, trying to dissolve fights, and trying to put them to bed. I dream of worrying about them in school, and questioning their friends. I dream of late nights staying up trying to get them to go to sleep, and getting frustrated with the choices they make. But most of all, I dream of them coming up to me and saying Mommy I love you , singing to me on Mothers day at church, hearing their testimonies of Heavenly Father and his son and wanting to speak with me about their dreams and hopes about the future.
My soul is hungry for these experiences that only a child can fill.

All Travis and I have left is Hope. Hope that we will have children, even if they are not physically our children. We know that the Lord has the perfect plan for us, and trusting that his ways are perfect, even though we may not understand them at times, only leads to eternal happiness.
I am grateful for the love and support that we have felt from both friends and family as we have struggled through this for these last few years. You all have truly helped us through these hard times and we will be always appreciative of your love and support. Thank you for being there. You are truly the angels in our lives. We love you.