In the last 6 years, I have gained a total of 95 pounds. Whoa...I know. It's a beastie. Not only that, but I dropped out of college, got dumped by several "friends", had my fantasy about my birth parents shattered, I had loved ones that passed away, almost lost my husband, and moved up here to Salt Lake where Travis and I have faced several challenging situations that have threatened our marriage. And guess what? That's just life. We all have things that we go through, but the next one that I will mention was the biggest thing that I have yet to face. In the mix of everything that has been going on, any self esteem that I had was lost. Yep. I am a woman with no self esteem.
To make matters more clear, let me put it this way...when I look in the mirror, I see an empty shell of a woman. I really don't take a good look at myself because I hate what I see. I hate what my body has become, I hate that my husband has to look at this EVERY day. I hate taking pictures with family because next to them I look like a whale. And when they post pictures of the family up on Facebook, I have to look the pictures several times because the person standing next to everyone couldn't possibly be me. But it is. It's all over Facebook. It is my biggest shame.
It's an embarrassment to see what I have become. And sure, I should blame it on my mom who got me hooked on diets at the tender age of 10. Lets just say I was her diet buddy until after I got married. I can blame her for telling me in high school that boys didn't like me because I wasn't skinny enough. Sure, I can put all the blame on her because I was never thin enough for her and that clothes never looked good on me in her eyes. When I have my break downs about my weight, it all comes back to my mother. The fact that my sisters body was idolized and my body was always never good enough has always haunted me. I have always felt that I am the ugly sister, and that I have nothing to offer but my singing voice and the hope of a successful career. At least I had something that my sister didn't. But then that world crashed all around me and I was left with my shame. All I really want is my mothers total acceptance for my body, which will never happen. It's almost sad to think that my mother never thought I was beautiful. But I have to realize that my own mother has her issues too. She still struggles with her self esteem and with her body image. She is so thin, and yet she always thinks that she has to lose more weight. Its sickening. So I can't blame her for not giving me a good image of myself, when she doesn't have it herself.
Now in no way am I saying that I had a bad mom. She was wonderful and loved me in her own way. And she still loves me in her own way. But sometimes I really struggle with the images that she left for me. It will continue to be something that I will have to work past for the rest of my life.
I just laid that down on the table and I know that there will be those that read this blog post and think: "Now wait a minute, it's not your moms fault that you gained all the weight."
And to answer that, I know it's not her fault. I am the person who put the food in my mouth and the one that holds onto the past, like my favorite book. I'm the one who let it affect me so much that I haven't cared about my health and what a poor diet and lack of exercise will do. I'm the one who is responsible for this.
Now why am I writing this, you may ask. It's almost a relief to put this all down on something. For the first time in a long time, I'm not writing something about the struggle with not having a baby. Because for once, I need to do something about me.
There is a song that I have heard over and over again, but yet have not really heard it. It's by Taylor Swift and the words in the song are so beautiful and touch me right to the core. Travis played it for me the other night and said the song reminded him of how the atonement works, and that the Savior is constantly reaching out to us like the words to the song saying: "Who you are is not where you've been." And it is the truth. I'm not my past. I have done some terrible things, and I have experienced so much pain. But that pain and terrible past does not define me. Like my weight does not define me. There is light at the end of this tunnel. There is hope. And with the faith and support of others, I know that I will be able to learn so much from this journey that I have found myself on. Its not just about losing the weight anymore. It's discovering who I truly am, and finding the strength that I have inside.
Because the song is so beautiful, I will post the lyrics to the song that has affected me so much. Read these words and let them apply to your life. Remember, you are perfect the way that God made you. I always have to keep reminding myself of that, and still have yet to grasp at the meaning of it.
"Innocent
by Taylor Swift
I guess you really did it this time
Left yourself in your warpath
Lost your balance on a tightrope
Lost your mind tryin' to get it back
Wasn't it easier in your lunchbox days?
Always a bigger bed to crawl into
Wasn't it beautiful when you believed in everything
And everybody believed in you?
It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not where you've been.
You're still an innocent,
You're still an innocent.
Did some things you can't speak of
But at night you live it all again
You wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If only you had seen what you know now then
Wasn't it easier in your firefly-catchin' days?
When everything out of reach, someone bigger brought down to you
Wasn't it beautiful runnin' wild 'til you fell asleep
Before the monsters caught up to you?
It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you've been
You're still an innocent
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did.
You're still an innocent.
Time turns flames to embers
You'll have new Septembers
Every one of us has messed up too
Minds change like the weather
I hope you remember
Today is never too late to be brand new
It's alright, just wait and see
Your string of lights is still bright to me
Oh, who you are is not what you've been
You're still an innocent.
It's okay, life is a tough crowd
32, and still growin' up now
Who you are is not what you did
You're still an innocent.
You're still an innocent.
Lost your balance on a tightrope.
It's never too late to get it back. "
With that I will leave you to the rest of your day. I wish you lots of love, warm hugs and smiles.
Thank you for reading and supporting me with my writing.
Natalie
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