To start a journey, you must first look back at your story....

For most of you who know me quite well, I have been always been on a diet. Especially when I was in high school, I always thought that I was fat (when I weighed 125 pounds) and would hardly eat anything and then  binge and eat everything in sight. I had been living the same cycle over and over again, when I embraced the HCG diet at the beginning of my first year of college and I lost 10 pounds of fat and was able to fit into a size 5 dress. That's when most of my life started to change immensely. I met a boy who only liked me because I was a pawn in his game and after he kicked me to the curb, I started on the same path again and had gained most of the weight back by April. 

That summer though, I was sick and fed up with being "fat" and so I started the HCG diet again and lost all the weight I had gained back plus more, and was fitting into a size 7 jeans which I had never been able to do before. After the diet I made a plan that I would not eat carbs or sugar and was keeping my new form quite nicely. One night though I started getting a high fever horrible stomach cramps and was throwing up everything I ate. The next day was the same, but since it was a Saturday, and my mother told me that I should probably stay in bed to recover. Well that night, I was just laying there in my bed when suddenly I felt a distinct feeling that I should get out of bed and get my parents who were at the time taking pictures of my sister who was going to her high school homecoming dance. As I got out of bed I felt all the blood from my body rush down to a pain that was excruciating . As I walked toward the door, everything went black and I collapsed. That's the exact moment my father was walking through the door and witnessed me collapse. He then tried to wake me up and he yelled for my mother to get the car ready because they needed to take me to the emergency room immediately.  He finally got me somewhat awake and helped me up so that I could walk out to the car because he couldn't carry me. When we got to the car we rushed to the hospital and it was all a blur because I was in such pain that I hardly remember anything now. When we got there, I was seen to immediately (thankfully) and were put into a room and I was given morphine to help the pain. Within a period of six hours (we got to the hospital at around seven or so at least I think) I was diagnosed with appendicitis and was told that my operation to take it out would take place the next morning (sunday) at ten. My mother and I were then escorted to a room where I would spend the rest of my week recovering in.

 Then the next morning, they took me to get my surgery done and it was done within ten minutes and I was back in the room and the doctor came in and said that I was lucky to be alive because my appendix had already ruptured. Well...to make this long blog shorter, after my recovery process, I was so sick of eating healthy that I started to eat crap again, and that's just when I met Travis and we started to date. While we were dating, I would try to get back on my "eating healthy" again, but it was hard while he ate crap and I was just plain sick of it. So by May 2009, I had gained all the weight back plus more and was very depressed because Travis and my wedding was coming up and I wasn't in that great of shape. But came our special day did, and yes I wasn't in the best shape I could be in. After that, I just couldn't stop gaining weight or stop putting the crap into my mouth.  So by October of 2009 I went from 125 pounds the year before to 156 pounds. I was depressed, moody and I didn't know how to deal. 

Well at the beginning of January 2010 when I weighed 175 pounds I decided it was time for a change and so I started the dreadful HCG diet again, but lost 28 pounds and was back to 157 by March. I was feeling great, until I started to eat the dreadful crap again. It didn't come on as fast I thought it would be, but by June of 2010 I had bloomed to 180 pounds and was feeling more low than ever. But I made a promise to myself that I would never ever go back to the HCG diet and would get my body back into shape the right way...So I started a program  that didn't last very long and I was still eating crap and by December 2010 I was up to 195 pounds. I have stayed that way since that time and I have been trying (well failing) at everything I have come up with to lose weight (like weight watchers and stuff like that)

. The neat thing is, that despite going through all this, I have surprisingly been successful in my singing career. In December of 2010 I auditioned for Dixie's Got Talent and I was put into the top fifteen contestants. And in January at the big nights of Dixie's Got Talent, I won the young adult category. Since then I have been doing alot of singing gigs and I have even won the young adult category at NATS for singing the Girl in 14G in Las Vegas Nevada. So despite all the struggles I have had with my weight, life has gone on...Travis graduated from Dixie, he got a full time job doing what he loves and we moved up to Murray UT and life just winds like a stream, never stopping for the rocks in it's way. Well now I currently weigh 196 pounds (as of yesterday) and my little stream goes along despite the rocks that have now recently come up along my way.... 

The first rock was a huge one. You see now that Travis works, he has insurance, which means that I can go to the doctor....Well when I went into my doctor, she told me that I couldn't  have kids until I lost all the weight I have gained. I think when I got back into my car, I cried for a solid ten minutes because that rock had hit me as hard the Titanic hit that stupid iceberg. 

The second rock was slightly smaller but still felt about the same when my best friend Nettie got engaged. It's not the fact that she got engaged, because  I truly am really happy for her...but the fact that she will be getting married in three or four months and I look like this.

The rocks that have followed I am still hitting over and over again. I think that one was when Travis told me that he was not attracted to my body anymore. (well personally I can't blame him for that because I haven't cared about myself enough to do something to help the way I look at all.) 

Fact one is, my husband will always love me for who I am, but at the same time, it is hard to be attracted to someone who doesn't care a lot about themselves or who doesn't care of themselves which lately I have been doing. 

Fact two is, I need to start caring about myself.

Fact three is: I need to get on a program that isn't a crash diet so that I can maintain it and keep weight off.

Fact four: Which is the big one...I need to realize that I shouldn't have children when my body is in this state because it is not only dangerous to my health, but dangerous to my childrens health. 

Final fact: This is not about me anymore. This is about my children now. Because if I continue on this way I can't be the vessel to bring Heavenly Father's children to this world to have their own experience.

So with these facts I woke up this morning and realized that I have to change. And it has to be today. No more "Oh I'll start that tomorrow or next week..." It's going to be today. And it's going to be now. No more crash diets...just simple eating without sugar loaded food. Yes, I'm going to start eat clean. And even though it might take some more time to take off, I am ready for the challenge. 

As I begin this journey, I will be blogging on everything as I go through it. Please be apart of this journey with me since I will be needing a lot of support. My goal is to be down 75 pounds by my best friend Nettie's wedding. So to be 120 at Netties wedding, and wearing a smoking hot red dress and red high heels. This months goal is to be down fifteen pounds by the end of the month. I will keep all you updated.

 Tomorrow I will be putting up pictures (gulp) so read at your own risk.

Thanks to all who actually take time to read my blog. I really appreciate your love and support. 

~Natalie