They say to write what you know...well this is what I know...

Dreams

When I was a little girl, I always use to dream of my fairy tale life. I dreamed that when I grew up I would be the perfect wife, who was perfectly thin and made other guys drool.Well, I am married, and I'm not that perfect wife that I imagined in my head, and even though on this blog I've said that I've started something, in reality, I have not. Procrastination is a huge biological family issue that I am attempting to overcome, and so far I have not been successful. But to start a journey you must take baby steps one at a time. Well for me, I need to plunge into something...anything...before I lose my mind. I want to be thin, I want to look better, not only for me but for my husband. I want other guys to get jealous of my husband because of me. I want to be absolutely and completely stunning. And if I say that I am right now, I would be lying to you all. To me, I am and forever will be beautiful. But what I want is to be completely and utterly stunning. You know the kind of stunning that you see in the movies when a really beautiful girl enters the scene and all the guys in the movie start to look at her and drool...Yeah that's what I want to look like. Completely healthy, and stunning.

Reality

 But for me to get there is the hardest part. Because of recent events, I have let myself come to the theory:"Oh we have a major event coming up so I'll start my lifestyle change after this major event is over..." and I have been saying that week and week and week, till now 5 months later I am still saying the same thing over and over again without my weight changing. Well last night, I told my husband that very same thing and he looked at me in the eyes and said: "Natalie if you are waiting for the perfect week to start up something, you will never get it, because there are no perfect weeks. You just need to start something and stick to it until you get the weight down no matter what event comes in your way."

My Plan

So tomorrow, I will be starting a plan that is right for me. I'm not saying that it's going to be easy, but I'm hoping by the summer I will be able to fit into a bikini and look awesome. Even though my husband Travis's  birthday is next week, I'm hoping as I pray to Heavenly Father for strength to follow my new plan that he will grant it to me and I can continue my plan despite Travis's birthday.
I will not go back to the way I was. I have sucessfully kept my weight managed where I am right now for a year, but I want to lose that weight and take back what is rightfully mine. That is a lean and healthy form. One that is achieved by a healthy diet and consistent exercise.
Remember I'm not perfect, and none of us are. But as we rely upon our Heavenly Father, and ask him for his help, together with him we can achieve anything. 

Scared and scarred

That's what I keep saying in my head because I am really scared. Scared to death of starting something like this. Scared that it won't work and I will continue to look this way. Scared of never changing and continuing the way I am. Basically I'm afraid that nothing will work for me besides the stupid diets and bogus advertisements. I'm afraid of letting everyone down especially Travis. I have let him down so many times, that for once in my life I don't ever want to let him down again. And every time I keep dragging this out, I keep letting him down.
But when I achieve my goal, not only will I make everyone happy, I will completely happy myself. That is why I don't understand how I can do this to myself. You probably are thinking the same thing.

I'm Gonna Show Them...

 The bonus about achieving my goal, I will show birthmom Jenny,ex-boyfriend Parker, ex-boyfriend Derrick, and all those others who put me down, saying that I was a different person than who I really am, that I am not who they said I was. They told me that I could never ever achieve things, that I'm a horrible person who is selfish and manipulative, and not only feeding me those things every time I was around them, making me believe them. As if they were true...ba humbug...To hell with them. They are all lied to me because that person is not who I am. And the funny part is that I have believed the things they told me about who I was, never thinking that all they said were lies to put me down.

I know that I can be selfish at times, but who isn't? 

Now picking up the pieces after being whipped around with those kind of people in my life, I know that sometimes we all can be a little bit selfish and that we are all not perfect. We shouldn't expect to be. After all this is the real reason why we are here to begin with. So we can overcome things. So we can learn to rely on our Heavenly Father for strength. But most of all it is so that we can have families and be sealed to them in the temple so that we can be with them forever.

What Will Come Because of Accomplishing My Goal

To add on with what I have said before, these are the things I desire even above having a healthy body:

I want to have sons and daughters and have a good loving relationship with them. I want to watch them grow up healthy and have the most amazing lives. I want to be there to watch them first learn how to walk, talk,  make friends, start school, drive, fall in love. I want to be there when they find the person that they will want to spend eternity with. I want to see them get married and have children of their own. And I when I finally am ready to return to my Heavenly Father, I want my family surrounding me, with the knowledge that we will see each other again.

That is what I have in my head, even though I haven't really started anything as of yet. I just have to picture what my children look like to get emotional. Because to me, there is no greater gift that I will ever receive than  my children. I have been on my knees praying for them to come each day. But despite my cries and pleas, I know that Heavenly Father will let them come in his own time.

Privileges 

 So for now, I get the great privilege  of  teaching other peoples kids how to sing, and let me tell you, it has done wonders. I love being apart of these kids lives. I love it! There is nothing else that I want to do for the rest of my life, than be a mother, homemaker and teacher.
Well, these are the things I know.
Thanks for reading
~Natalie