Bug on a Windshield

To many of my readers, or those who just randomly read my blog for fun, you may look at the title and say to yourself: "What in the world is she writing about?" Well, not to disappoint you, my blog post will not be about the bugs that seem to come crashing into our windshields when we are driving on the highway. Anyone who knows me, knows for a fact that I hate bugs, and when I say hate, I mean hate. The only bugs that I do like are the following in this order in fact: ladybugs, grasshoppers, butterflies, and fireflies. With that said, we shall now move on....

Today I sit in my favorite room in my house, and that room is my very own office. I have my keyboard in here, my computer and the closets hold my cookbooks, and other knick naks. As I sit here in the heat (because there is no ac in this room) I reflex on the things that seem to be apart of my daily life.

When I'm driving to work, I always either get bird crap or bug guts on my car and so that when I get home, my hubby looks at my car and shakes his head. Well there are enough dings on it, so when you add the bird crap and bug guts to the poor thing, it looks like a wreck.

It's just like our lives. Some times we may just feel like my car with the bug guts on it sitting in a garage with no where to go. Yesterday was one of those days for me...

Of coarse yesterday was Fathers Day. Day # 2 as one of the hardest days of the year for Travis and Natalie.  Mothers Day is #1 as a day of the year that sucks for us.

Some of you (and I know who) may think that I take this whole "not being able to get pregnant" too seriously and that I need to stop my worrying and just lose the weight. But I don't know if I've said this yet; but stop. I don't want to hear it that if I stop my worrying and just lose weight that I will be able to get pregnant. I don't want to hear about all the risks. I don't even want to hear about how my weight affects every one else. All I want is a little love. I know I can be the "biggest" drama queen ever sometimes, but when it comes to dictating to me about my body, please just stop it. I have had enough of other peoples so called "solutions" to last a year. I am who I am. I know that I may not look perfect on the outside, and I may not be perfect on the the inside, but I am trying my hardest to be a better person, and hearing all these things, without a little bit of sympathy is making me upset.

You may think that you are showing me love by giving me your "solutions" to my fertility problems, but in reality you are just making it worse. I don't know if you have figured this out yet, but I'm kinda rebellious, and I will do the opposite of whatever you want me to do. So if you say:
"Natalie stop worrying and lose 70 pounds, you will be able to get pregnant. You are making it a bigger deal than it is." and maybe you are saying it out of love but this is what I'm hearing :
"Natalie, you suck, get over yourself, you won't be able to get pregnant when you look like you do. You are fat. Fat people can't have kids. Fat people suck at life. Fat people don't have feelings. Fat people should just not worry about even having kids because it's too much of a risk. You don't deserve kids."

So here is an analogy of how this applies to a bug on a windshield.
 As we go through life sometimes we are the bug, sometimes we are the windshield of the car on the highway. Either we are not paying attention enough to know that soon our guts will be spilled all over the windshield, or either we are the windshield enjoying our lives in a fast paced society. Either one, has it's up and downs but I would prefer not to be the bug on the windshield.

And that's what I feel like sometimes when I receive all these solutions. I know you are just doing it out of love but it makes me distracted from what I need to be doing, and that is enjoying life. I understand the things you have said. I understand that losing some weight could be beneficial to me being able to get pregnant. But what I don't understand is how you can look me in the eyes, with all the pain that I've gone through this last year, and be so heartless to basically say I don't deserve children because I've overweight. If someone said that to you, how would that make you feel? Would you feel like losing weight? I know that frankly that it is  not the way to get me to do anything.

I don't need your sympathy. All I need is your love. All I need is "I am trying to understand what you are going through." not a "You know what Natalie, you need to stop worrying about it and move on."


Love is all I need, especially from friends and family. Please I'm begging you, to stop criticizing me and to stop giving me "your solutions" about how I should go about getting pregnant. I have had enough of being the bug on the windshield. Thank you.


Love  to you all,
Natalie