Fear...Peace and Comfort

Tonight, all is peaceful and quiet in my house (well if you minus out the barking of the dogs). Travis is downstairs having his boys night in, and I well...am alone to ponder in my thoughts. One of the things I hate about every Tuesday night is that I mostly have to spend it alone, which frightens me. I HATE being left alone, maybe it's because all I had to myself was alone time when I was a child, I'm not sure, but I just hate the feeling of not having someone around. I do have the dogs, but they tend to do their own thing while I just sit around staring into the blank nothing. I hate having to gather my thoughts and actually let my mind rest. That's when I start to remember my pain and then I start writing about being childless and everything that I have posted a million times. I don't want to post the same things all the time. But right now that is my life. We are childless. We are just Cupcake and Travibear with the two weasels. That is right now. That is our reality.

Travis and I have both come to the conclusion to move on. To just forget about trying to have a baby all the time, and just focus on spending the time that we have together alone before our children come. Forgetting is hard, but it has been not as stressful to always wishing that every month a miracle would happen. I have given up that our miracle will happen anytime soon, and so the pain of what comes every month eases. At least I hope it will...

Moving on...2013...this year Travis and I will have been married for 4 years! That day will come on May 23rd 2013. Marrying him was the BEST decision I have ever made in my life. I can never go back to relive it, but every time that he looks at me I see all the love that was there so long ago and that is still there. He loves me.Our love grows on a daily basis. Fairy tales do exist. Love can last forever, like it does in the movies and books. Travis has made me see that. Everyday I live for the rest of my life I will love him and he will love me in return. That is truth forever and always.

Looking back...When I was a child, I was never popular or noticed. I didn't have many friends, and I was teased a lot. When I moved to St. George when I was eight it only got worse, I left all my few friends up in Salt Lake City. When we moved, I found myself friendless and it was hard to make new friends. Most my childhood I was left alone at home. That is when food became my friend. You see, when I am alone, that is when I have the hardest time with watching what I put in my mouth. So on nights like tonight I struggle. You see food, at the time, really comforts or eases the pain that I'm going through. It is a haven for me. But then I step on the scale the next day and it has turned it's back on me, like so many of the friends in my past. So tonight/today I find myself in the same situation. Today was a stressful day at work, so of course I eat too much. But all I can do is move on and forward.

The other day my mother in law and I were talking about Facebook. She was telling me that she doesn't like to post a ton of stuff on there because she doesn't think it is any ones business what is going in her life. She was saying that anything you put out on the web will never go away. And that is when my blog was brought up. She couldn't understand why I post such personal things on a blog for the world to see. She told me that with cyper space that "I" have no idea who sees my blog.

While I understand her concern, and accept it as love and caring about me, there is one thing that I wish to say on the matter...

I don't know who even reads this. All I know is that I love writing on my blog. I don't know if any of my posts matter to anyone other than me. I don't even know if anyone really cares. But I care. This is my way of handling some of the things that happen in my "almost" perfect life (and that is a joke btw because no one has a perfect life, or else this would not be life.) This is my way to express my feelings with anything other than food. This is how I deal with the pain. And this is what "BLOG" means to me...

B-Believe-I believe in my Savior
L-Live-I try to live my life to the fullest
O-Oasis- This blog is an oasis for me
G-Garnish-I love to garnish my life with loved ones

Mika has come up to me and jumps in my lap. She gives me kisses and puts her paws on my shoulder. I stop writing to hold her there. We just sit here for a moment and I feel that she loves me even though she is a dog. At least I have Sophie and Mika. I know they can be a pain sometimes. But I am so grateful for them.

Before I end my blog post...I am so grateful for the Church I belong to. It has given me the knowledge that I am loved by a Heavenly King and his Son. That I am his daughter, his Princess and that he cares about me on a personal level and understands what I go through on a daily basis. I am so grateful for my Heavenly Father and his beloved son Jesus Christ. I am grateful for the gift that my Savior gave to all of us when he gave his life for our sins. I know that he knows ME. Because he suffered for me. He knows all my pains, sorrows, joys, and heartbreaks. He has felt every tear that I have shed, and every tear that I will ever shed. He has felt every heartbreak. AND he has felt my anguish when the pregnancy tests come back negative. And he has comforted me. He has listened to my endless cries in the night and has given me a wonderful Mother, and Mother in law, who have gone through the same pain to help ease my suffering. And oh how grateful I am for these great women in my life. Suzy and Mother, I love you both so much. Thank you for your endless faith that has inspired me and lifted me up. He has also given me the BEST Father, who reminds me of the way our Heavenly Father loves us unconditionally. I am so grateful to have such a wonderful dad. I will always and forever be your little Nannie, Daddy. I love you so much and am so grateful for all the love you have given to me.

And to finally end my blog post...
Thank you to all my readers and friends that ride with me on my journey to becoming a mother. I feel your prayers. I feel your love. But most of all I know that you are there for me. Thank you. Thank you.
God Bless you all.
With love,
Natalie