My mask is made of fears, and self loathing. It becomes fuller as I experience each heartbreak, and each loss. It continues to cover me as I don't accomplish goals or am not the person that They want me to be. All my life I have tried to please the people who I would give my life for. The ones who have fought everyday for me, and love me unselfishly. They are the ones that I hide the most from and why? Because I am afraid that if they could see who I am, that they would never understand me and leave me. You see I have the belief that if anyone knew who I truly was that I would be left completely alone.
Even my husband who I have given everything to, has not been able to get me out of my mask. Every time I step on the scale self loathing and hatred fill me. I will never be as skinny as his family and I will never be like them. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try that I will never NEVER be thin enough. I will never be beautiful.
My mother in law made a comment about two months ago that completely shook me. She mentioned that she thought that she was fat. All I could think about when she said that is how she thinks of me. If she thinks that she is fat, then I must look like a whale to her. This body, this ghastly body that I carry around everyday, I abhor.
People say to me, that if I hate my body so much that I just need to eat right and exercise and it will all go away. But the thing is, no matter how much weight I lose no matter what I look like, I don't think I will fully every be able to love myself. Why? Because of the mask I wear. My mask protects me from being hurt. My mask protects the real me.
The thing is that I believe that everyone wears a mask at some point in their lives. Some of us just frequently wear ours more than others. Masks are what protect us from being hurt.
I have learned a lot about masks over the years and the one thing that strikes me most , is how they can do more damage to your self image than what people can do. The mask that you wear makes you have hatred in your heart, and blocks you from the most important thing in this life. Love.
More than a thousand years ago on a cross our Savior died for the world. Why? One simple word. Love. He died because he loves us. Did he wear a mask? No. Why? Because he knew this one simple truth. And he taught it. His words echo through time saying: "As I have loved you. Love one another."
He knew who He was. He knew that He was loved. He knew that he was a child of a divine God, a loving and merciful Heavenly Father. And because he knew that; he was able to love, even the man who betrayed him, and the men who put him to death, and everyone who has lived or will ever live.
He was not scared to be who He was. He did not ever hide from his divine calling. He never hid when he sweat the drops of blood at Gethsemane for who? For us. Because of love. Love. Simply love.
Love is the answer. Love will heal me. I just hope that as I begin to let myself from the mask that I have worn throughout all these years that I will be able to be accepted and loved. Yes all I want is to be loved for who I am. Not who others think I am suppose to be. Because I was born to this earth for a reason. A divine reason that only my Heavenly Father and Savior know. Yes they are the only ones that truly know me.
I will not shy away from my beliefs anymore. I refuse to wear my mask anymore! I believe in the healing power of the atonement of Jesus Christ and I know that he lives and loves us. I know that He can heal me. I know that as I come to my Heavenly Father in prayer that I can discover who I truly am, and I can know my divine potential as a daughter of God.
The first steps is to forget, forgive and move forward. Importantly, I also need to remove my mask. And finally after I do that, I can be myself and finally be free...
Thanks for reading.
Natalie
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