...Our after Christmas Miracle...

Christmas morning comes, everything outside is white because of the fresh fallen snow. I look over my shoulder and I see that Travis is still sound asleep and how peaceful he looks. I slowly rise from bed and look out the window. It's Christmas morning. I can't believe that this day is finally upon us.

I know what needs to happen this beautiful morning. After all I'm six days late on my period and Travis and I are anxiously hoping for a Christmas miracle. So I do what needs to be done, and then I wait. The test says that I need to wait three minutes and so I go out of the room. The three minutes feel like an endless eternity, and once the time is up, I rush into the bathroom to see what it says.

The night before Travis and I went to Walgreens and bought a really good pregnancy test. It is suppose to be 99% accurate and it was one of those ones that are digital. So instead of the lines, it would say either "not pregnant" or "pregnant".

And as I'm looking at the test, I'm not surprised.And I'm used to the answer that it is giving me. The test read "not pregnant". I'm not sure why, but seeing that in words made it even more real. But I still have the hope that I still could be pregnant. I slowly pick up the test and go into our room, where I slightly shake Travis awake. "Look." I say to him as he rubs his eyes. I hand him over the test and shine a light onto it so that he can see what it says. After reading what it says, he looks up at me, and without a word being said, I know what he is thinking. And I reply to his wordless question.
 "I will be fine. I'm not going to let this ruin my day." I give him a kiss on the cheek and changing the subject I say : "Merry Christmas Sweetheart." I have the hope that I am pregnant, but the test just can't register it.

He gets up and we go into the living room to begin our Christmas. And what a wonderful Christmas day it was....We opened presents in our house, had breakfast, and then went over to Travis's mom's house and spent time with her, Caleb and her family. It was a day to remember.

After the day is over, and once out tummy's are filled with wonderful food, and sighing because of laughter and joy, we make our way home, not wanting the day to be over. And then it starts. Pain starts in my lower abdomen. I ignore it, and as we walk into the house I begin my usual routine of using the bathroom, and then I see it. Bright red blood. And then all the hope that I had in the morning goes away.

"Please Heavenly Father, please no." I plead with my heart and  my head as I realize what has happened. But my cries go silent as I realize that there is nothing to be done. The test was right. I am not pregnant. That time of the month is upon me. I try to hold all the emotions in as Travis walks into the bathroom. I show him the blood and no words need to be said. He knows.

After I'm done in the restroom, I go to the bed and the pain in my abdomen starts to get worse. Travis knows what to do and he gets me a heat pad and some ivprophen.  We go to sleep and the next day dawns bright. We hang out at home watching the Lord of the Rings, while I test out my new sewing machine. The day passes quickly and before I know it, it is night again. And then I lose it.

I go silently into the nursery , close the door, and hold the blanket that I bought last year for a little girl that I hoped would be here. I sit in the timeout chair that my grandpa made for me when I was little and rock back and forth. The pain of two and a half years rushes over me like a flood. I feel my pain of not being able to conceive hit me like a rock in the face. And then the door opens and he enters the room.

Pain is on his face. He walks over to me, and tries to pull me up and take me out of the room, but I will not budge. He sits down next to me and wraps his arms around me. And then I know what the miracle in this situation is.

Our after Christmas miracle is the fact that we still have each other. And no matter what happens in our future, we will ALWAYS have each other. Travis is my Christmas miracle by the unconditional love that he gives me as we go through this. He silently watches and does not show his pain, but he feels the pain over being childless like I do. And together we can make it through this.

I know that on Christmas I did not get the miracle that I wanted. I wanted to be pregnant with our first child. What I didn't know that the Lord has a completely different plan for us, and I do accept this plan because I know that his ways are better.

Thanks so much for sharing our journey to having a child with us. We appreciate your prayers and we do feel them. We love you all.
Thanks for reading.